An extract from a certain hospital’s instructions form for Covid-19 self-testing by its staff: “Before taking the swab, please wash your hands, set up your test tube with the extraction solution and stand upright in plastic cup.”
“Before using the swab in your mouth and your nose
Wash your hands in the way that everyone knows;
And to make sure the test tube’s correctly set up
You have to stand upright in a clean plastic cup.”
Well, I tried really hard to find such a vessel,
But a very large teacup and an oversized pestle
Were simply too small for my one-foot-long feet,
So in utter frustration I admitted defeat.
I just stood on the floor in the usual way
And, as per instructions, I then swabbed away
Up each facial orifice for my Covid check-up –
And all without standing upright in a cup!